Power And Money
I'm not sure where to save this post. It touches so many issues, it's hard to classify. Let me start with the "raw data".
I had a dream last night ...
I was teaching a physics course (for ladies? children?) in a community center. The previous lesson had something to do with the rules of baseball. I remember illustrating a triple play to the kids in a small room. The *next* lesson was to deal with "power" as a physical concept. I was concerned that I knew nothing about it.
In physics, power is the ability to do work. As I thought about ways to present the subject, I stumbled on the idea of options for mowing the lawn (what my gut equates with "work"). I could use a mower, different mowers or I could pay one or more people to mow the lawn. AHA! There was an equivalence between money and power. Hardly an original insight, but usually advanced in a political conversation, not physics. Still, in the dream, I realized that there was a physical basis of money. That's something new. At some point, the dream scenario faded. I gradually woke up thinking about power and money.
First, I note that this connection is only vaguely connected to conventional definitions of money. The idea is somewhat original - maybe insightful or maybe crazy.
Second, I note that I wrote an entire blog, "The Zen of Value", dealing with issues like this. So the interest is new, but the idea (power) does not appear in that blog. However, the power idea does contribute to one issue addressed by the blog: the connection between money with actual value. It should be noted that most entries in that blog are "stubs", awaiting exposition. This reflects the fact that these entries were the last attempt to coherently express ideas that overflowed into a breakdown that landed me in the psych ward. They are a psychological "third rail".
Apparently my "subconscious" is returning to ideas that may be dangerous to me personally - as much a warning and a revelation. Accordingly, I took the Mania Quiz (a pretty reliable indicator of how close I am to going off the rails). It showed an uptick to "14" - not dangerous in itself but a trend that merits consultation with the pros, which I have scheduled for Tuesday (this is Saturday). The way the quiz works, you get a bump if you think you have a new, important idea that is distracting you from other projects. Only time will tell if the idea has merit. The fact is that all of my breakdowns have been associated with a "big idea" that, in retrospect, had a lot of merit. This does not get me away from the fact that the situation is ominous.
I should mention that, like millions of others, I have been caught like a deer in the headlights by the rise of Donald Trump and the way that has unveiled a vast landscape of crime and corruption. I get up early every day to listen to 2 hrs of "current events" podcasts that usually have some aspect of the Trump cluster fuck at the center. Oddly this isolates me even from those who follow the news since few follow it in the depth that I do. I work hard to remain calm and dispassionate, but I do so in the face of more understanding than most people have of the situation. That's a dangerous combination, especially if I slip into mania. By the way, being driven into madness by Trump is a condition that is being recognized. It's a kind of political PTSD. Returning to the subject of this post: "power and money" could be expected to come up in a dream, especially considering the tendency of the dreaming mind to use puns, metaphors and analogies. One might speculate that the previous "lesson" in the dream (triple play) was a hopeful metaphor for the defeat of Trump's forces by the simultaneous collapse of the various strategies he uses to stay in the White House. Who knows?
It has been 40 years since I played with "dream analysis, but I learned enough at that time to deal with these little gems with a combination of respect and skepticism.
There are a few other angles here ...
My main attention lately has been on "Supermind". This line of thought has recently reached a kind of landmark clarity and fruitfulness. I'm eager to pursue it further - it's by no means ready for the road as a finished theory, but the road ahead seems clear enough. Several books sit in the pending research queue. Graphical illustrations are developing in my head. Interestingly, the dreaming mind has played no role at all in this theory. Should it? Should I "put a pin" in supermind to spend time on "Zen of Value". If I do, would this not indicate the onset of mania?
There are numerous other changes taking place in my life that may add up to a significant "setting of sails" to new destinations following different winds:
I had a dream last night ...
I was teaching a physics course (for ladies? children?) in a community center. The previous lesson had something to do with the rules of baseball. I remember illustrating a triple play to the kids in a small room. The *next* lesson was to deal with "power" as a physical concept. I was concerned that I knew nothing about it.
In physics, power is the ability to do work. As I thought about ways to present the subject, I stumbled on the idea of options for mowing the lawn (what my gut equates with "work"). I could use a mower, different mowers or I could pay one or more people to mow the lawn. AHA! There was an equivalence between money and power. Hardly an original insight, but usually advanced in a political conversation, not physics. Still, in the dream, I realized that there was a physical basis of money. That's something new. At some point, the dream scenario faded. I gradually woke up thinking about power and money.
First, I note that this connection is only vaguely connected to conventional definitions of money. The idea is somewhat original - maybe insightful or maybe crazy.
Second, I note that I wrote an entire blog, "The Zen of Value", dealing with issues like this. So the interest is new, but the idea (power) does not appear in that blog. However, the power idea does contribute to one issue addressed by the blog: the connection between money with actual value. It should be noted that most entries in that blog are "stubs", awaiting exposition. This reflects the fact that these entries were the last attempt to coherently express ideas that overflowed into a breakdown that landed me in the psych ward. They are a psychological "third rail".
Apparently my "subconscious" is returning to ideas that may be dangerous to me personally - as much a warning and a revelation. Accordingly, I took the Mania Quiz (a pretty reliable indicator of how close I am to going off the rails). It showed an uptick to "14" - not dangerous in itself but a trend that merits consultation with the pros, which I have scheduled for Tuesday (this is Saturday). The way the quiz works, you get a bump if you think you have a new, important idea that is distracting you from other projects. Only time will tell if the idea has merit. The fact is that all of my breakdowns have been associated with a "big idea" that, in retrospect, had a lot of merit. This does not get me away from the fact that the situation is ominous.
I should mention that, like millions of others, I have been caught like a deer in the headlights by the rise of Donald Trump and the way that has unveiled a vast landscape of crime and corruption. I get up early every day to listen to 2 hrs of "current events" podcasts that usually have some aspect of the Trump cluster fuck at the center. Oddly this isolates me even from those who follow the news since few follow it in the depth that I do. I work hard to remain calm and dispassionate, but I do so in the face of more understanding than most people have of the situation. That's a dangerous combination, especially if I slip into mania. By the way, being driven into madness by Trump is a condition that is being recognized. It's a kind of political PTSD. Returning to the subject of this post: "power and money" could be expected to come up in a dream, especially considering the tendency of the dreaming mind to use puns, metaphors and analogies. One might speculate that the previous "lesson" in the dream (triple play) was a hopeful metaphor for the defeat of Trump's forces by the simultaneous collapse of the various strategies he uses to stay in the White House. Who knows?
It has been 40 years since I played with "dream analysis, but I learned enough at that time to deal with these little gems with a combination of respect and skepticism.
There are a few other angles here ...
My main attention lately has been on "Supermind". This line of thought has recently reached a kind of landmark clarity and fruitfulness. I'm eager to pursue it further - it's by no means ready for the road as a finished theory, but the road ahead seems clear enough. Several books sit in the pending research queue. Graphical illustrations are developing in my head. Interestingly, the dreaming mind has played no role at all in this theory. Should it? Should I "put a pin" in supermind to spend time on "Zen of Value". If I do, would this not indicate the onset of mania?
There are numerous other changes taking place in my life that may add up to a significant "setting of sails" to new destinations following different winds:
- I "fired" the psychiatric nurse who was doing home visits since my last breakdown. There were many reasons for this, all of which could contribute to my "uptick" on the mania scale. They could also be interpreted in many other ways, but they certainly cry out for discussion. With whom?
- I'm wrapping up my 6-year involvement in Second Life - something that was by design allowing me to escape "real life" and build a fantasy life. I've decided that this escape is no longer healthy - if it ever was. But the whole topic is something it is hard to discuss with anyone. It sends Clair into a state of blind panic. Simple participation in Second Life has been regarded in the past (by a psychiatrist whom I fired) as prima face evidence of advanced mania. Is getting out of it also sign of crisis? There is no way such an issue could have been discussed with Will.
- I'm increasingly drawn to something like "sitting meditation" (Zen). Normally I don't have much patience for it. The way it feels is pausing to allow the insights from "supermind" to "sink in". Kinda like learning a massive amount about cars, then slipping behind the wheel for the first time to carefully drive around the block. It's a shift in consciousness itself which is often a warning sign of oncoming catastrophe, even if it feels like a new haven of safety.
- The dream that inspired this post may be, in itself, a sign that changes are happening "under the surface" - literally subconscious changes.
Against all these "psychological" warning signs, I must remind myself that my main bulwark against breakdown is my medication. I note that I missed medication Thursday night. So the short term strategy should be to:
- Don't miss meds again
- "Put a pin" in the podcasts and blogging. Do some household stuff. Keep routine.
- Get lots of sleep.
- Meet with psych team Tuesday and see if there are opportunities for in-depth short-term counseling
I have decided against using Q medication in the short term since it seems (especially to Clair) to have a paradoxical effect of increasing mania symptoms while making it easier to sleep. I seem to have no problem sleeping without it.
ps -
Meds ok. Hours on household projects. No blogs. No reading. a bit of zen. nap. power idea seems unremarkable. Note dreams strange this week due to flu.
ps -
Meds ok. Hours on household projects. No blogs. No reading. a bit of zen. nap. power idea seems unremarkable. Note dreams strange this week due to flu.
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